expect relapse AND expect recovery!

Hi people! Had a relapse today! At clinic, as usual when it happened. Was waiting the allotted thirty minutes b4 I could "medicate." I asked to see my counselor and was told to wait and that's when it struck: RELAPSE! Started hyperventilating and shaking and rattling and rolling and feeling as if the event were being broadcast on national media! When I looked down at my trembling hands and felt myself about to pass out from breathlessness, it struck me that I was destined to spill my entire bottle of methadone and so go without the opiate I am dependent on to function for the next 24 hours. It was imperative that I successfully ingest ALL the medication because honestly when it comes down to it I'm a street urchin junky and I simply can NOT be dope sick! Unfortunately I still have that desperate self centered person hiding in my brain. The realization that I would probably not take my medication adequately and the five minutes I had to wait to see my counselor enabled me to employ some of the coping skills for anxiety tolerance I have learned recently. So I did some deep breathing. Basically I breathed in for four seconds, held it for four and breathed out for four. I did this for the entire five minutes I was waiting. PERFECTION! Not because it worked perfectly but because it worked well enough. My addict mentality is always seeking perfection which the addict in me defines as: obliteration of all that distresses me physically, mentally and emotionally. Now that I am in recovery, perfection is progress! And I experienced great progress today because I experienced great distress which was very intolerable anxiety attack symptoms and that's what I am calling my "relapse." And then I experienced what I am calling my "recovery" which is the progress, the accepting of the "relapse" and the taking action to manage the anxiety so the anxiety wouldn't manage me…and it WORKED! I was able to regulate my breathing enough that I had a very useful and enjoyable talk with my counselor AND I successfully drank my methadone withOUT spilling one single drop! Not perfection because my hands were still trembling but success because there was progress! Instead of being defeated by my anxiety attack, I accepted it and rallied the troops within and pressed onward and I am grateful. And you can do this too! Whatever mental health or substance abuse or any other challenge in your life that seems to defeat you again and again good NEWS! If I can do this, with my anxiety levels probably in the top ten of all people in the world throughout all time, then so can you. Expect relapse. When I was in active addiction I cannot possibly count how many relapses I had. I have now put together 27 months of the most meaningful and fulfilling sober life I have ever experienced and just for today I don't have to relapse and I choose not to. But now I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and just like with my addiction I have come to expect relapses. And so today does not surprise me. The most important thing is that I learned from my challenge today. I would not have learned if I gave up as soon as I saw the seismic trembling in my hands. I would not have learned if I begged my counselor to bend the rules and allow me to have my methadone in her office away from the anxiety provoking lobby and medicating line. I learned because I saw the signs of the anxiety and I felt my breathing grow shallow and my whole body shake with an inner earthquake, and I accepted all I saw. By accepting it I could effectively deal with it. Denying the symptoms just makes the symptoms grow in the dark. Once in the light I can identify the issue more completely and thus address the issue more comprehensively. So I accepted these frightening feelings, emotional and physical and employed the breathing technique I mentioned above. After about 5 minutes of this mindful breathing I was well enough to find my voice to talk with my counselor and well enough to drink ALL my medication. I am still expecting relapse but I am now ALSO expecting RECOVERY! It's about progress. I didn't get clean right away. I relapsed again and again. But as I kept trying to recovery again and again the time between each relapse grew and now it's been 27 months. And so I apply my experience with recovery from addiction to my present day attempt to recovery from my longstanding anxiety disorder. It's about progress, not perfection. Relapse IS part of recovery. The goal is to accept the relapse so I can try to utilize my coping skills and support network and TRY TRY again! The progress component is ALL about trying again and again. Realistically I expect I will relapse again, but I also know for sure that I will not give up but accept and try try try again and that's what I did today and it worked! Expect relapse is the tougher news but the most important news I broadcast nationally post hyperventilating and fresh off my breathing exercise: EXPECT RECOVERY!

exposure therapy: don't go it alone!

I highly benefited from sharing my struggle with anxiety with others and being willing to take their suggestions. Along my journey with exposure therapy work surrounding my most recent anxiety disorder relapse I have been aided by certain people. In fact I have developed some new deeper bonds with people I hitherto only associated with superficially. These people were greatly instrumental and I wouldn't be where I am today, which is NOT being crippled physically and rendered unable to even speak from my anxiety every week I go to pick up my methadone. I have a few "go-to" people at the clinic where I have been practicing my exposure work. These people are life-savers and I am incredibly grateful for the selfless way they offer their time and unconditional acceptance every time I am in need. I have established a strong connection with my counselor. At the beginning of my journey she went out of her way to make allowances for me. She allowed me to take my methadone in her office away from the over-stimulating lights and noises of the crowded lobby. As I felt stronger she allowed me to pick up my methadone at the earliest time usually reserved only for people who work. This was helpful because the anxiety really compelled me to want to just get the anxiety provoking task of obtaining my methadone over with. She also chaperoned me while waiting in line and accompanied me to the medication dispensing window to help prevent me from shaking to the point of spilling the medication. This went on for about three weeks. After that my counselor passed the job of chaperoning me down to a fellow client. I will never be able to thank this woman enough. There are truly generous, compassionate people out there who sometimes it takes a major crisis to get to know. But I am grateful I have gotten to know her; she is one of the blessings that came out of this crisis. This woman chaperoned me in the style of exposure therapy. That is, she moved a few feet more away from me every week to the degree that now we no longer call her presence chaperoning, but "hovering." The last week I was there, she was so far away I couldn't even hear her voice. Her hovering has been successful because I still have no idea how far away from me she was but I successfully ingested ALL of my medication anyway. The last time I was at the clinic my counselor would not allow me to pick up early with the workers. At first I felt a tightening in my gut, the precursor to a flaring up of my anxiety. But just as suddenly I felt a different emotion which overrode the anxiety; I felt trust in my counselor to the degree that it was easy to trust her more than I trust myself. This was the next step in exposure work, and I felt I have come so far that I MUST continue accepting challenges. So I waited in the big scary lobby with all its bright lights and loud noises until the appointed time. Once again, two of my go-to individuals in my personal struggle waited with me. They helped me feel safe in this over-stimulating environment. ONe of the hallmarks of PTSD is a failure to feel safe in a safe environment. These women made it possible for me to relax enough to breathe normally. Instead of listening to racing PTSD thoughts in my head that only ignite the anxiety, I could listen to these two individuals who have become more precious to me than ever due to their willingness to go out of their way to support me. If I had had to sit alone and wait 45 minutes I don't know if i would have successfully drank my medication. Once I was at the medicating window I saw the one nurse that I most associate with the worst of my anxiety. This was the nurse who was medication me the very day the initial nuclear anxiety meltdown that I have been trying to climb out of for a month. The look on this nurse's face when my whole entire body started shaking and I could not speak a month ago was panic stricken which only heightened my anxiety. This time however it was clear I have made great strides. It was a great experience to interact with her last week because she could see the difference between now and then. Usually when I drink my medication I ask the nurse to pour the juice into the cup because my hands still shake and I am of course petrified of spilling even one drop. But this nurse having seen my progress in the past month refused to pour the juice in. This challenge from her was very helpful for me to push myself and very meaningful because she of all the nurses was the one who saw me at my worst. So I knew my progress was evident to her; otherwise she would not have challenged me to do this on my own. It worked out because I was able to drink every drop of my methadone and I realized that I am stronger than I thought. If it weren't for the people in my life I probably would not even be able to step through the threshold of that clinic because my anxiety that day five weeks ago was THAT epic. Exposure therapy works! BUT do not try it alone. Utilize people and professionals in your life that can be go-to anxiety medication in human forms. I personally cannot take anxiety medication, so I have taken to thinking of these select few people as "my xanax, my clonopin, my valium…" etc. Exposure therapy dictates that you will be challenged along the way. Because my anxiety is so crippling that I cannot rely on myself 100%, it is crucial I have others who I can trust and who I can draw strength from. Because of these people on my journey I am stronger than I was even before the epic meltdown. One of the bonuses of being so debilitated this time by anxiety its that I have developed new valuable relationships and also deepened my bonds with those I already knew. Good has come out of my near death panic attack, and that good is these relationships. I am almost grateful for what happened 5 weeks ago….actually NO; i AM grateful!