LONG OVERDUE

Hello fellow anxiety sufferers and friends of anxious head cases, I have a LOT 2 tell you. A LOT of good news! Today things really came full circle. I was at the methadone clinic as usual for a tuesday. On Tuesdays I pick up my medication for the following week. Unfortunately my support person, who has loyally escorted me through the line and up to the medicating window where the epic anxiety attack first hit about 4 month ago, wasn't at the clinic. I knew I had 2 depend on ME! it felt like suddenly being naked in a roomful of clothed people. But the coping skills i have been practicing for four months kicked in. The awesome thing is that instead of cowering at the prospects of me facing the medicating window alone and having another  humiliating anxiety attack, the opposite happened. i literally felt myself rising to the challenge with unexpected confidence! I felt myself stand tall and straight and take a deep cleansing breathe of Empowering oxygen! i literally breathed in FAITH and exhaled FEAR! And i felt like a ST'RONG INDEPENDENT individual. Once again, tell yourself and your anxious friends, the power of breathing is REAL. OWN your own breath and do not give it away to anxiety. There is nothing like the POWER of a person in control of their own breathing to scare anxiety AWAY! so breathe just BREATHE. Things REALLY came full circle when i got to the window and who was medicating me? NURSE RATCHET who was serving me my methadone when i had that epic anxiety attack four months ago. this particular nurse gave me a judgmental and NOT at all understanding glare when i started hyperventilating and violently shaking with the anxiety attack. that day, four months ago, i spilled about 3/4's of my methadone because of the shaking. BUT this time i didn't let those memories throw me. I stayed in control of my breathing and i let that oxygen fill me with confidence. i held that cup of methadone with ONE hand and with the other hand i could have waved to the crowd like the newly crowned Miss America. IT was an epic success to kick the ass of that epic anxiety attack. I walked away from that nurse who didn't understand anxiety four months ago, and so couldn't understand how monumental it was for me to NOT spill a drop of methadone even without the chaperone i have come to lean on for several months. I walked away a winner and wherever you are with your journey through anxiety to freedom, i hope this entry can give you hope. Just remember your breathing and the power therein. Just remember to NOT b afraid to reach out for help. I wouldn't have seen today without ALL the people who have rallied around me especially when i was at my worst and also who didn't drop me when I got better. My friend couldn't be there today, but i want her to know that my achievement today is in no small part thanks to her help. Also remember to have a positive attitude. Changing our behavior such as facing a fear we usually run and hide to avoid takes time and courage. I have had four months practice in changing my behavior around anxiety. Four months ago, my solution to anxiety was to run and hide through denial and through other maladaptive survival strategies. Well, that is just not my solution anymore. for FOUR months i have implemented new actions and replaced negative self talk with positive affirmations. and it ALL WORKS! that is the coolest thing. with HELP and with practice, i can become the person i never thought i could be. i am now a older, wiser, more confident that i can rise to meet any occasion even if that occasion involves confronting a deep and long term FEAR. and now i am even grateful for the very public, very humiliating panic attack i had. it forced me to change and now i am someone i always wanted to be. i also am grateful for judgmental nurse Ratchet who i felt totally judged by in my weakest moment because she made me have to confront my old insecurity that if someone judges me harshly i am a subhuman individual unworthy of love. now i don't care what people think of me, even if i'm having an anxiety attack, i don't care; thank u nurse ratchet! so wherever you are in your journey, i hope this blog can give you hope and a little more faith in yourself and where you are headed. don't be afraid to ask for help and build that support network. u r worth the effort it takes 2 build a life worth loving and become the person you always wanted 2 b but didn't think you could become. well you CAN and you WILL so let's get STARTED! hit the road anxiety attack and hello BRAND NEW ME! and whoever reads this, hello to you too and i will keep you posted!

the blessing disguised as an anxiety attack!

I will be starting an anxiety disorders group therapy at my methadone clinic in a couple weeks. I am revising my group therapy outline this morning and will bring it into the clinic to be reviewed; what was a total impossibility 8 weeks ago is almost a reality! I am living proof that there is life after anxiety hits you in a public setting. A torture that should be kept behind the walls of Guantanamo Bay, was played out under harsh florescent lights in a very public crowded setting. There is nothing worse than having a panic attack to rival ALL panic attacks in a public place. I don't know what is worse, the loss of self control, or the loss of self respect, but I was blessed by both that day! It has been 8 weeks since that day and now I am a few weeks away from turning that crisis into an opportunity to help those afflicted as I was and am and probably always shall be. By virtue of my mental illness I have an understanding that undergraduates simply reading books on anxiety don't have. The depths of despair my anxiety has brought me to dictate the heights of successfully treating other sufferers I am now envisioning. I hit a rock bottom so low that I knew it would take an act of God to drill any deeper. But it was because this bottom was so devastatingly low that I could look up and get a view of the sky many are not privy to. The sky that said unequivocally, you have nowhere to go now but UP! And so I began my ascent to the land of the free and the home of the brave, that is the life I once took for granted. I do not take my life for granted anymore. I am grateful every time I put my hands out in front of me and see little to no trembling there. I am grateful when I drink my methadone at the clinic without throwing three quarters of it on the ground because I am shaking so violently. I am grateful when I open my mouth to share in a 12 step meeting and I don't start hyperventilating. I am grateful when I don't spend an hour everyday trying to distinguish between a legitimate heart attack or just a typical panic attack. A month ago my confidence in my ability to stay calm or else calm myself down was non-existent. Now I am able to depend on myself to do this. For a while I needed certain people who I lovingly deemed "my xanax," or "my clonopin," to be physically present when I had to go to the methadone clinic or some other anxiety provoking environment. I still benefit from their presence but deep down I know that if they were not able to physically be there and I had to go, I would go and I would get through. Every week that goes by I see new signs of progress. There are so many priceless gifts this panic meltdown nuclear attack 8 weeks ago has brought me. A lot in my life has gone back to "normal." That is, I am quite a bit more relaxed, not as guarded and vigilant at every waking moment, with one eye always on the sky for that proverbial other shoe about to drop. Though I feel like I can trust myself to be "okay" in whatever environment I am in, or whatever challenge I am working through, I also know not to get too confident. I don't take this "return to business as usual" for granted. Though I am not constantly afraid a panic attack will strike again, I also don't take for granted the comfortability I feel in my own skin and my place in the world. I feel I have claimed most of my power back from my panic disorder. I am Empowered. 2 months ago I was powerless, the anxiety was in charge and I felt it virtually every moment of every day. I thought I was free while I slept but it would be there in the morning close as my cat by my face when I awoke. I would be foolish to take for granted my empowerment, and my feeling of being strong enough to go where I want to go when I want to go there, knowing that if I feel anxious I have the tools and the power to talk myself down. I don't live in the past of 2 months ago today, but I don't forget it either. Anyway, I am brave and I am free and 2 months ago today I was neither of those things nor did I think I would ever again feel brave or free. And today I am actually GRATEFUL that  8 weeks ago the blue sky opened up and a grey cloud of anxiety rained and hailed and thundered down on my poor afflicted head. I am grateful because now I don't take any aspect of my Empowerment over my mental health issues for granted. I am grateful because I am a stronger and wiser woman today. I am grateful for the new friendships I have forged with the people who reached out to me and accepted me when I was at my weakest. I am grateful for the deeper bonds I have developed with professionals caring for me. I am grateful to have seen that sky from rock bottom where there was truly nowhere left to go but crystal clear blue infinity. And today I am grateful because my anxiety disorder group at the methadone clinic will commence in a couple weeks. I will finally be given a platform by which I can help other sufferers. And that is vindicating. To discover that my darkest most painful past is my greatest asset of all, is simply vindicating. Anxiety disorders are such isolating and sometimes shameful disorders. I urge you to come out of the closet by seeking help from professionals or others you trust. With help and ONLY with help will you be able to get through the worst of it. And when you are in control of your disease and not vice versa you will discover a newfound appreciation of your everyday life. You will be free to go where you want when you want to go. You will be brave enough to try things your anxiety once dictated you to never try. You will know that in every crisis, if recognized and properly dealt with is an opportunity. You will know the joy there is in using your pain to bring healing to someone else in need. I can't wait to start my anxiety group and I will most definitely keep all my readers out there informed every step of the way. My worst ever anxiety attack has been one of my best blessings; I never thought I would say this! I wish such blessings in disguise to find you along your journey today as well!

looking back with gratitude!

Hi People! I have finally come far enough along to pause and look back. About two months ago I was hit with the major anxiety attack that prompted me to take action and also start this blog. To refresh your memory and/or my own, I was at the methadone clinic standing in line. The line was long and inching up ever so slowly to first place I felt my anxiety inching up to attack me. I felt acutely aware of all the people around me and the unbearably fluorescent lights. These two elements seemed to feed off of each other. The lights became more unforgivably harsh and the noise of the crowd felt like black helicopters of paranoia hovering around me watching me, staring at me, surveilling me. One of the aspects of my anxiety is that I feel like everyone can tell I am anxious. Therefore in this crowded setting, it meant that it wasn't just a couple people watching me, but a line about 30 deep, sixty eyes ALL on me. And the lighting only made my anxiety feel, to me, even more obvious. By the time I was two people away from first place in line I had to squat to the floor and concentrate on breathing. I feared i would never stand up again. This is when it hit me, or rather, I hit it: the rockbottom of anxiety. I who once surged from third place to second to cross the line in first place, setting the 1000 meter record in track during my high school years, was now finding it impossible to withstand being first place in line at the methadone clinic. I was finding it impossible to stand up, let alone walk across the finish line to the medicating window to drink my methadone. All of this because of my anxiety that grows in the dark places and then reveals its brutal face under harsh fluorescents before a crowd in which many people could judge me negatively out of ignorance of mental disorders. Finally facing the moment I feared, I failed. I failed to drink my entire cup of methadone without spilling three quarters of it. I who had so much promise in my youth, a record setting athlete, and enrolled in a top tier woman's college, had finally succumbed to the anxiety that I once turned to heroin to control. I was clean and sober so really felt every painful second of this failure. Later after processing this incident I realized the victory; I am clean and sober and feeling every second of this painful failure. If I were still getting high, I would have the luxury of not feeling an ounce of this regret, or a bead of anxiety provoked sweat on the brow. But I AM feeling it, every brutal bead of sweat, every hand wringing ounce of regret. And this is what prompted me to start this blog. This realization that there is satisfaction in feeling my anxiety because it is in feeling it that my self confidence is redeemed. Every second of a well felt anxiety attack is another moment of glory for the soldier that you are, albeit a soldier on the lonesome battlefield where it is just you and your anxiety. Whoever you are, I urge you to acknowledge your anxiety. Say, Hello anxiety! I know you are there. No need to run. I am crippled. I am a spineless puddle of anxiety on the floor. But I recognize you. And in recognizing you, I call you out of your shadows. And in calling you out, I make it clear that you are separate from me. And now that you are separate from me, I can do battle. And by doing battle I mean living my life on my own terms, not being controlled by the liar that you are. The liar that tells me I cannot withstand fluorescent lights. That I will die if I am in a line of thirty people. That everyone in the world right now is in the eyes of this crowd, under these harshest lights, judging me, rejecting me, done with me, till I am ruined and waiting to die. Today I realized how far I have come. My path has been tough, but simple. I have simply dealt with my Tuesday methadone bottle pick up day by accepting my anxiety. When I start feeling it creep in, I acknowledge it, and just go back to my breathing exercises, or refocusing by conversing with my counselor or friend, or repeating a Bible verse in my head. I do this because otherwise I will give my power over to my anxiety and this will result in the epic meltdown of two months ago. Today was proof, that there is life after a major anxiety attack like I suffered. With help, a lot of help and time, there is success. Today I spoke to my counselor and to my friend, but I didn't really need these interactions to keep myself calm. I breathed, but I didn't have to focus on my breathing to stave off hyperventilation. I didn't have to chant scripture in my head either. I just felt okay with myself being in this setting which two months ago I was jumping out of my very own skin. My shaking when I held my cup of methadone was probably like a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Two months ago, my shaking was at a 12. For the first time in two months, I felt safe in this setting which I have felt safe in for years. I am reclaiming this setting for myself where anxiety sought to claim it for itself. I stake my own Amercian flag in this ground, victory. I see anxiety so I don't have to become it. Just keep reminding yourself of this. Just because you feel anxious, doesn't mean you have to be anxious. You just have to be yourself. Don't let feeling anxious become you, you are worthy of being yourself. Grateful for my counselor, friends, 12 step meetings, and professionals in my life. Today was validation that with time and work anything is possible! If your anxiety feels impossible to overcome today, just be in the moment. Because believe me, in this moment you are okay. Don't look beyond this moment. In this moment, life isn't all that great, but it's life and that's something. That's really something! Life is not something to have an anxiety attack over, life's just too short for a lifelong anxiety attack. Acknowledge your anxiety BUT embrace LIFE! Good luck and I shall soldier ON, jp

expect relapse AND expect recovery!

Hi people! Had a relapse today! At clinic, as usual when it happened. Was waiting the allotted thirty minutes b4 I could "medicate." I asked to see my counselor and was told to wait and that's when it struck: RELAPSE! Started hyperventilating and shaking and rattling and rolling and feeling as if the event were being broadcast on national media! When I looked down at my trembling hands and felt myself about to pass out from breathlessness, it struck me that I was destined to spill my entire bottle of methadone and so go without the opiate I am dependent on to function for the next 24 hours. It was imperative that I successfully ingest ALL the medication because honestly when it comes down to it I'm a street urchin junky and I simply can NOT be dope sick! Unfortunately I still have that desperate self centered person hiding in my brain. The realization that I would probably not take my medication adequately and the five minutes I had to wait to see my counselor enabled me to employ some of the coping skills for anxiety tolerance I have learned recently. So I did some deep breathing. Basically I breathed in for four seconds, held it for four and breathed out for four. I did this for the entire five minutes I was waiting. PERFECTION! Not because it worked perfectly but because it worked well enough. My addict mentality is always seeking perfection which the addict in me defines as: obliteration of all that distresses me physically, mentally and emotionally. Now that I am in recovery, perfection is progress! And I experienced great progress today because I experienced great distress which was very intolerable anxiety attack symptoms and that's what I am calling my "relapse." And then I experienced what I am calling my "recovery" which is the progress, the accepting of the "relapse" and the taking action to manage the anxiety so the anxiety wouldn't manage me…and it WORKED! I was able to regulate my breathing enough that I had a very useful and enjoyable talk with my counselor AND I successfully drank my methadone withOUT spilling one single drop! Not perfection because my hands were still trembling but success because there was progress! Instead of being defeated by my anxiety attack, I accepted it and rallied the troops within and pressed onward and I am grateful. And you can do this too! Whatever mental health or substance abuse or any other challenge in your life that seems to defeat you again and again good NEWS! If I can do this, with my anxiety levels probably in the top ten of all people in the world throughout all time, then so can you. Expect relapse. When I was in active addiction I cannot possibly count how many relapses I had. I have now put together 27 months of the most meaningful and fulfilling sober life I have ever experienced and just for today I don't have to relapse and I choose not to. But now I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and just like with my addiction I have come to expect relapses. And so today does not surprise me. The most important thing is that I learned from my challenge today. I would not have learned if I gave up as soon as I saw the seismic trembling in my hands. I would not have learned if I begged my counselor to bend the rules and allow me to have my methadone in her office away from the anxiety provoking lobby and medicating line. I learned because I saw the signs of the anxiety and I felt my breathing grow shallow and my whole body shake with an inner earthquake, and I accepted all I saw. By accepting it I could effectively deal with it. Denying the symptoms just makes the symptoms grow in the dark. Once in the light I can identify the issue more completely and thus address the issue more comprehensively. So I accepted these frightening feelings, emotional and physical and employed the breathing technique I mentioned above. After about 5 minutes of this mindful breathing I was well enough to find my voice to talk with my counselor and well enough to drink ALL my medication. I am still expecting relapse but I am now ALSO expecting RECOVERY! It's about progress. I didn't get clean right away. I relapsed again and again. But as I kept trying to recovery again and again the time between each relapse grew and now it's been 27 months. And so I apply my experience with recovery from addiction to my present day attempt to recovery from my longstanding anxiety disorder. It's about progress, not perfection. Relapse IS part of recovery. The goal is to accept the relapse so I can try to utilize my coping skills and support network and TRY TRY again! The progress component is ALL about trying again and again. Realistically I expect I will relapse again, but I also know for sure that I will not give up but accept and try try try again and that's what I did today and it worked! Expect relapse is the tougher news but the most important news I broadcast nationally post hyperventilating and fresh off my breathing exercise: EXPECT RECOVERY!

exposure therapy: don't go it alone!

I highly benefited from sharing my struggle with anxiety with others and being willing to take their suggestions. Along my journey with exposure therapy work surrounding my most recent anxiety disorder relapse I have been aided by certain people. In fact I have developed some new deeper bonds with people I hitherto only associated with superficially. These people were greatly instrumental and I wouldn't be where I am today, which is NOT being crippled physically and rendered unable to even speak from my anxiety every week I go to pick up my methadone. I have a few "go-to" people at the clinic where I have been practicing my exposure work. These people are life-savers and I am incredibly grateful for the selfless way they offer their time and unconditional acceptance every time I am in need. I have established a strong connection with my counselor. At the beginning of my journey she went out of her way to make allowances for me. She allowed me to take my methadone in her office away from the over-stimulating lights and noises of the crowded lobby. As I felt stronger she allowed me to pick up my methadone at the earliest time usually reserved only for people who work. This was helpful because the anxiety really compelled me to want to just get the anxiety provoking task of obtaining my methadone over with. She also chaperoned me while waiting in line and accompanied me to the medication dispensing window to help prevent me from shaking to the point of spilling the medication. This went on for about three weeks. After that my counselor passed the job of chaperoning me down to a fellow client. I will never be able to thank this woman enough. There are truly generous, compassionate people out there who sometimes it takes a major crisis to get to know. But I am grateful I have gotten to know her; she is one of the blessings that came out of this crisis. This woman chaperoned me in the style of exposure therapy. That is, she moved a few feet more away from me every week to the degree that now we no longer call her presence chaperoning, but "hovering." The last week I was there, she was so far away I couldn't even hear her voice. Her hovering has been successful because I still have no idea how far away from me she was but I successfully ingested ALL of my medication anyway. The last time I was at the clinic my counselor would not allow me to pick up early with the workers. At first I felt a tightening in my gut, the precursor to a flaring up of my anxiety. But just as suddenly I felt a different emotion which overrode the anxiety; I felt trust in my counselor to the degree that it was easy to trust her more than I trust myself. This was the next step in exposure work, and I felt I have come so far that I MUST continue accepting challenges. So I waited in the big scary lobby with all its bright lights and loud noises until the appointed time. Once again, two of my go-to individuals in my personal struggle waited with me. They helped me feel safe in this over-stimulating environment. ONe of the hallmarks of PTSD is a failure to feel safe in a safe environment. These women made it possible for me to relax enough to breathe normally. Instead of listening to racing PTSD thoughts in my head that only ignite the anxiety, I could listen to these two individuals who have become more precious to me than ever due to their willingness to go out of their way to support me. If I had had to sit alone and wait 45 minutes I don't know if i would have successfully drank my medication. Once I was at the medicating window I saw the one nurse that I most associate with the worst of my anxiety. This was the nurse who was medication me the very day the initial nuclear anxiety meltdown that I have been trying to climb out of for a month. The look on this nurse's face when my whole entire body started shaking and I could not speak a month ago was panic stricken which only heightened my anxiety. This time however it was clear I have made great strides. It was a great experience to interact with her last week because she could see the difference between now and then. Usually when I drink my medication I ask the nurse to pour the juice into the cup because my hands still shake and I am of course petrified of spilling even one drop. But this nurse having seen my progress in the past month refused to pour the juice in. This challenge from her was very helpful for me to push myself and very meaningful because she of all the nurses was the one who saw me at my worst. So I knew my progress was evident to her; otherwise she would not have challenged me to do this on my own. It worked out because I was able to drink every drop of my methadone and I realized that I am stronger than I thought. If it weren't for the people in my life I probably would not even be able to step through the threshold of that clinic because my anxiety that day five weeks ago was THAT epic. Exposure therapy works! BUT do not try it alone. Utilize people and professionals in your life that can be go-to anxiety medication in human forms. I personally cannot take anxiety medication, so I have taken to thinking of these select few people as "my xanax, my clonopin, my valium…" etc. Exposure therapy dictates that you will be challenged along the way. Because my anxiety is so crippling that I cannot rely on myself 100%, it is crucial I have others who I can trust and who I can draw strength from. Because of these people on my journey I am stronger than I was even before the epic meltdown. One of the bonuses of being so debilitated this time by anxiety its that I have developed new valuable relationships and also deepened my bonds with those I already knew. Good has come out of my near death panic attack, and that good is these relationships. I am almost grateful for what happened 5 weeks ago….actually NO; i AM grateful!

Crisis n Opportunity

Today I received some anxiety provoking news. I was checking my voicemail and listened to a message from my doctor asking I call him regarding the results of my recent MRI. I not only have a long term love affair with panic attacks but I am also a classic O.C.D head case. My O.C.D is especially triggered by medical related issues. I have been having health problems and of course I have reason to be concerned about this news. But the O.C.D side of me starts questions that begin with, "what if," and end with a particularly agonizing death. This time I chose not to respond this way. I felt myself falling into the "what if" mind trap. I remembered all the things I have been doing in the past several months to improve my mental health and lessen the more glaring symptoms. I have been exercising and eating right, and going to AA meetings and individual therapy. I even meditated for 55 minutes the other day! I do not want to get off track after having worked so hard to get back on track. It helps to remind myself of the things I am doing right. If you are dealing with challenges in your life, perhaps remind yourself of the positive changes you have made in your life; positive affirmations promote us to continue taking care of ourselves no matter how impossible it may feel to do so in the moment. I chose to take care of myself today after I heard this voicemail by going to the clinic and praying on the way there. I recognized as blessings the chance to talk to two professionals. These counselors encouraged me and gave me insight and direction. Mostly they helped me because they reminded me simply by taking the time to converse, that I am not alone unless I choose to be. It is hard for me to reach out for help in the midst of an O.C.D anxiety crisis. I am not used to doing so. I usually try to isolate and deny it as if I could wish it away. However I didn't react this way today. Without help today I would be defeated, locked up in my apartment trying to pretend I am not there. That would be rock bottom for me today and I have come too far to go back there. Whatever you are facing remember there is hardly any longstanding challenge you can overcome withOUT help! I never wanted to reach out for help because I was too proud for people to see me feeling weak and afraid. However in my epic panic attack one month ago I felt naked before the world. And I discovered Unconditional acceptance is real and it is amazing. Whoever you are, if you are feeling weak and afraid and you want to hide, don't!; ask for help and you will be amazed and wholly accepted. One of the counselors I spoke to showed me the Chinese character for crisis contains the character for opportunity. This character is characterizing my morning thus far. In the past this message from my doctor would have been a crisis with no hope for opportunity in it. Without praying and reaching out for help I would not have discovered the opportunity within the crisis! It is there and with help I found it today! I urge anyone who is overwhelmed and feeling anxious about a crisis to ask for help. Do not let pride or fear prevent you from doing so. I have faced my more serious challenges alone for the past 37 years. I am not doing this anymore. So far I have found the world to be a much more hopeful and welcoming place than my O.C.D and anxiety led me to believe it was. I still have anxiety about this unresolved medical issue, but I am feeling blessed because as I wrote this entry I have received two phone calls from friends. I will call them back after I am done writing. My O.C.D wants me to be alone all day sending me around and around a gerbil wheel of what if questions ending in death. My anxiety wants me to pace and fidget and fidget and pace and move ever closer to picking up a bottle of unprescribed clonopin. But I am not my O.C.D and I am not my anxiety. I am a person who has found the opportunity inside the crisis. The opportunity to grow from this crisis so that I can perhaps help even one person empower themselves in this way. Just remember you are worth the bravery it takes to embrace your crisis having faith there is a blessing of opportunity within! Also, it may be possible to do this alone, but the victory is far more meaningful when you involve others. Now I am excited about fully accepting the crisis for now I have total faith that therein lies the opportunity, jen

UN-conditional acceptance

I never ever thought anyone could accept me unconditionally. But this isn't the case. I had all the love in the world but feelings that I was unloveable prevented me from seeing this. Now the love is creeping in like a sunbeam through the blinds. The blinds have been closed a long time. But some kind of light is  getting in. In the past month I have received so many indications that I am lovable and that I am worthy of unconditional acceptance. The epic anxiety attack four weeks ago forced me to open my mind to the thought and open my heart to the feeling of unconditional acceptance and love. Sometimes it takes a bad course of life events to reveal who your true friends are. Well my bad course of events was internal and happened like a house of cards falling all at once and a lot of people went running from ground zero but a few remained to look for me. I will not name any names but only say you know who you are. There were a few people who saw me in my moment of absolution humiliation, total defeat by the army of my anxiety disorder and they stayed. They saw me with no way to run and nowhere to hide and they stayed. They saw me without any mask to hide behind, they saw my deepest secret which is that at my core I am full of shame and fear and am too ashamed and too afraid to look for any other more positive characteristics. But they saw me and they stayed and they weren't leaving and I knew they were friends. These people have been supporting me daily for the past month in particular. I owe a huge portion of my success to them.. This is to say that whatever your anxiety is doing to you these days, realize that you are not alone. Be honest with people you trust. Don't underestimate a friend's ability to accept you without conditions. People may really surprise you in their ability to understand, they surprised me anyway. Friends who are true friends see the real you. They don't see you through the lens of someone with anxiety disorder or eating disorder or bipolar disorder or addiction or alcoholism. They see you without a lens, as you are without these disorders. Because I am not my disease, I struggle with my disease but it is not me. If it weren't for these people who love and accept me and have seen me at my worst and stayed, I would never have found the strength to believe I am more than my disease and the courage to fight back with their help. It has been a month since that epic anxiety attack and I have learned a lot. I am glad I didn't just self medicate with clonopin because I was forced to employ other strategies. A big reason I have reached this level of success is that I have that acceptance and love of my friends and people on my team. My life with anxiety has taught me a lot over my lifetime. But the best thing it taught me so far is that the more it kicks me down to rock bottom the more aware I am of how much I am loved. I was at rock bottom lower than low a month ago and suddenly I was aware of people coming down to my level and lifting me up and helping me walk with their arms around me and this was love and acceptance and it was unconditional and it is working cause I am walking on my own now but with love from those who know me and knew me at my worst and knew I was not my worst and for them today I am especially grateful. p.s if you are dealing with anxiety today discover the feelings at the root of that anxiety and take a risk and tell a friend and see how you feel after that...