expect relapse AND expect recovery!

Hi people! Had a relapse today! At clinic, as usual when it happened. Was waiting the allotted thirty minutes b4 I could "medicate." I asked to see my counselor and was told to wait and that's when it struck: RELAPSE! Started hyperventilating and shaking and rattling and rolling and feeling as if the event were being broadcast on national media! When I looked down at my trembling hands and felt myself about to pass out from breathlessness, it struck me that I was destined to spill my entire bottle of methadone and so go without the opiate I am dependent on to function for the next 24 hours. It was imperative that I successfully ingest ALL the medication because honestly when it comes down to it I'm a street urchin junky and I simply can NOT be dope sick! Unfortunately I still have that desperate self centered person hiding in my brain. The realization that I would probably not take my medication adequately and the five minutes I had to wait to see my counselor enabled me to employ some of the coping skills for anxiety tolerance I have learned recently. So I did some deep breathing. Basically I breathed in for four seconds, held it for four and breathed out for four. I did this for the entire five minutes I was waiting. PERFECTION! Not because it worked perfectly but because it worked well enough. My addict mentality is always seeking perfection which the addict in me defines as: obliteration of all that distresses me physically, mentally and emotionally. Now that I am in recovery, perfection is progress! And I experienced great progress today because I experienced great distress which was very intolerable anxiety attack symptoms and that's what I am calling my "relapse." And then I experienced what I am calling my "recovery" which is the progress, the accepting of the "relapse" and the taking action to manage the anxiety so the anxiety wouldn't manage me…and it WORKED! I was able to regulate my breathing enough that I had a very useful and enjoyable talk with my counselor AND I successfully drank my methadone withOUT spilling one single drop! Not perfection because my hands were still trembling but success because there was progress! Instead of being defeated by my anxiety attack, I accepted it and rallied the troops within and pressed onward and I am grateful. And you can do this too! Whatever mental health or substance abuse or any other challenge in your life that seems to defeat you again and again good NEWS! If I can do this, with my anxiety levels probably in the top ten of all people in the world throughout all time, then so can you. Expect relapse. When I was in active addiction I cannot possibly count how many relapses I had. I have now put together 27 months of the most meaningful and fulfilling sober life I have ever experienced and just for today I don't have to relapse and I choose not to. But now I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and just like with my addiction I have come to expect relapses. And so today does not surprise me. The most important thing is that I learned from my challenge today. I would not have learned if I gave up as soon as I saw the seismic trembling in my hands. I would not have learned if I begged my counselor to bend the rules and allow me to have my methadone in her office away from the anxiety provoking lobby and medicating line. I learned because I saw the signs of the anxiety and I felt my breathing grow shallow and my whole body shake with an inner earthquake, and I accepted all I saw. By accepting it I could effectively deal with it. Denying the symptoms just makes the symptoms grow in the dark. Once in the light I can identify the issue more completely and thus address the issue more comprehensively. So I accepted these frightening feelings, emotional and physical and employed the breathing technique I mentioned above. After about 5 minutes of this mindful breathing I was well enough to find my voice to talk with my counselor and well enough to drink ALL my medication. I am still expecting relapse but I am now ALSO expecting RECOVERY! It's about progress. I didn't get clean right away. I relapsed again and again. But as I kept trying to recovery again and again the time between each relapse grew and now it's been 27 months. And so I apply my experience with recovery from addiction to my present day attempt to recovery from my longstanding anxiety disorder. It's about progress, not perfection. Relapse IS part of recovery. The goal is to accept the relapse so I can try to utilize my coping skills and support network and TRY TRY again! The progress component is ALL about trying again and again. Realistically I expect I will relapse again, but I also know for sure that I will not give up but accept and try try try again and that's what I did today and it worked! Expect relapse is the tougher news but the most important news I broadcast nationally post hyperventilating and fresh off my breathing exercise: EXPECT RECOVERY!