exposure therapy: don't go it alone!

I highly benefited from sharing my struggle with anxiety with others and being willing to take their suggestions. Along my journey with exposure therapy work surrounding my most recent anxiety disorder relapse I have been aided by certain people. In fact I have developed some new deeper bonds with people I hitherto only associated with superficially. These people were greatly instrumental and I wouldn't be where I am today, which is NOT being crippled physically and rendered unable to even speak from my anxiety every week I go to pick up my methadone. I have a few "go-to" people at the clinic where I have been practicing my exposure work. These people are life-savers and I am incredibly grateful for the selfless way they offer their time and unconditional acceptance every time I am in need. I have established a strong connection with my counselor. At the beginning of my journey she went out of her way to make allowances for me. She allowed me to take my methadone in her office away from the over-stimulating lights and noises of the crowded lobby. As I felt stronger she allowed me to pick up my methadone at the earliest time usually reserved only for people who work. This was helpful because the anxiety really compelled me to want to just get the anxiety provoking task of obtaining my methadone over with. She also chaperoned me while waiting in line and accompanied me to the medication dispensing window to help prevent me from shaking to the point of spilling the medication. This went on for about three weeks. After that my counselor passed the job of chaperoning me down to a fellow client. I will never be able to thank this woman enough. There are truly generous, compassionate people out there who sometimes it takes a major crisis to get to know. But I am grateful I have gotten to know her; she is one of the blessings that came out of this crisis. This woman chaperoned me in the style of exposure therapy. That is, she moved a few feet more away from me every week to the degree that now we no longer call her presence chaperoning, but "hovering." The last week I was there, she was so far away I couldn't even hear her voice. Her hovering has been successful because I still have no idea how far away from me she was but I successfully ingested ALL of my medication anyway. The last time I was at the clinic my counselor would not allow me to pick up early with the workers. At first I felt a tightening in my gut, the precursor to a flaring up of my anxiety. But just as suddenly I felt a different emotion which overrode the anxiety; I felt trust in my counselor to the degree that it was easy to trust her more than I trust myself. This was the next step in exposure work, and I felt I have come so far that I MUST continue accepting challenges. So I waited in the big scary lobby with all its bright lights and loud noises until the appointed time. Once again, two of my go-to individuals in my personal struggle waited with me. They helped me feel safe in this over-stimulating environment. ONe of the hallmarks of PTSD is a failure to feel safe in a safe environment. These women made it possible for me to relax enough to breathe normally. Instead of listening to racing PTSD thoughts in my head that only ignite the anxiety, I could listen to these two individuals who have become more precious to me than ever due to their willingness to go out of their way to support me. If I had had to sit alone and wait 45 minutes I don't know if i would have successfully drank my medication. Once I was at the medicating window I saw the one nurse that I most associate with the worst of my anxiety. This was the nurse who was medication me the very day the initial nuclear anxiety meltdown that I have been trying to climb out of for a month. The look on this nurse's face when my whole entire body started shaking and I could not speak a month ago was panic stricken which only heightened my anxiety. This time however it was clear I have made great strides. It was a great experience to interact with her last week because she could see the difference between now and then. Usually when I drink my medication I ask the nurse to pour the juice into the cup because my hands still shake and I am of course petrified of spilling even one drop. But this nurse having seen my progress in the past month refused to pour the juice in. This challenge from her was very helpful for me to push myself and very meaningful because she of all the nurses was the one who saw me at my worst. So I knew my progress was evident to her; otherwise she would not have challenged me to do this on my own. It worked out because I was able to drink every drop of my methadone and I realized that I am stronger than I thought. If it weren't for the people in my life I probably would not even be able to step through the threshold of that clinic because my anxiety that day five weeks ago was THAT epic. Exposure therapy works! BUT do not try it alone. Utilize people and professionals in your life that can be go-to anxiety medication in human forms. I personally cannot take anxiety medication, so I have taken to thinking of these select few people as "my xanax, my clonopin, my valium…" etc. Exposure therapy dictates that you will be challenged along the way. Because my anxiety is so crippling that I cannot rely on myself 100%, it is crucial I have others who I can trust and who I can draw strength from. Because of these people on my journey I am stronger than I was even before the epic meltdown. One of the bonuses of being so debilitated this time by anxiety its that I have developed new valuable relationships and also deepened my bonds with those I already knew. Good has come out of my near death panic attack, and that good is these relationships. I am almost grateful for what happened 5 weeks ago….actually NO; i AM grateful!