looking back with gratitude!

Hi People! I have finally come far enough along to pause and look back. About two months ago I was hit with the major anxiety attack that prompted me to take action and also start this blog. To refresh your memory and/or my own, I was at the methadone clinic standing in line. The line was long and inching up ever so slowly to first place I felt my anxiety inching up to attack me. I felt acutely aware of all the people around me and the unbearably fluorescent lights. These two elements seemed to feed off of each other. The lights became more unforgivably harsh and the noise of the crowd felt like black helicopters of paranoia hovering around me watching me, staring at me, surveilling me. One of the aspects of my anxiety is that I feel like everyone can tell I am anxious. Therefore in this crowded setting, it meant that it wasn't just a couple people watching me, but a line about 30 deep, sixty eyes ALL on me. And the lighting only made my anxiety feel, to me, even more obvious. By the time I was two people away from first place in line I had to squat to the floor and concentrate on breathing. I feared i would never stand up again. This is when it hit me, or rather, I hit it: the rockbottom of anxiety. I who once surged from third place to second to cross the line in first place, setting the 1000 meter record in track during my high school years, was now finding it impossible to withstand being first place in line at the methadone clinic. I was finding it impossible to stand up, let alone walk across the finish line to the medicating window to drink my methadone. All of this because of my anxiety that grows in the dark places and then reveals its brutal face under harsh fluorescents before a crowd in which many people could judge me negatively out of ignorance of mental disorders. Finally facing the moment I feared, I failed. I failed to drink my entire cup of methadone without spilling three quarters of it. I who had so much promise in my youth, a record setting athlete, and enrolled in a top tier woman's college, had finally succumbed to the anxiety that I once turned to heroin to control. I was clean and sober so really felt every painful second of this failure. Later after processing this incident I realized the victory; I am clean and sober and feeling every second of this painful failure. If I were still getting high, I would have the luxury of not feeling an ounce of this regret, or a bead of anxiety provoked sweat on the brow. But I AM feeling it, every brutal bead of sweat, every hand wringing ounce of regret. And this is what prompted me to start this blog. This realization that there is satisfaction in feeling my anxiety because it is in feeling it that my self confidence is redeemed. Every second of a well felt anxiety attack is another moment of glory for the soldier that you are, albeit a soldier on the lonesome battlefield where it is just you and your anxiety. Whoever you are, I urge you to acknowledge your anxiety. Say, Hello anxiety! I know you are there. No need to run. I am crippled. I am a spineless puddle of anxiety on the floor. But I recognize you. And in recognizing you, I call you out of your shadows. And in calling you out, I make it clear that you are separate from me. And now that you are separate from me, I can do battle. And by doing battle I mean living my life on my own terms, not being controlled by the liar that you are. The liar that tells me I cannot withstand fluorescent lights. That I will die if I am in a line of thirty people. That everyone in the world right now is in the eyes of this crowd, under these harshest lights, judging me, rejecting me, done with me, till I am ruined and waiting to die. Today I realized how far I have come. My path has been tough, but simple. I have simply dealt with my Tuesday methadone bottle pick up day by accepting my anxiety. When I start feeling it creep in, I acknowledge it, and just go back to my breathing exercises, or refocusing by conversing with my counselor or friend, or repeating a Bible verse in my head. I do this because otherwise I will give my power over to my anxiety and this will result in the epic meltdown of two months ago. Today was proof, that there is life after a major anxiety attack like I suffered. With help, a lot of help and time, there is success. Today I spoke to my counselor and to my friend, but I didn't really need these interactions to keep myself calm. I breathed, but I didn't have to focus on my breathing to stave off hyperventilation. I didn't have to chant scripture in my head either. I just felt okay with myself being in this setting which two months ago I was jumping out of my very own skin. My shaking when I held my cup of methadone was probably like a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Two months ago, my shaking was at a 12. For the first time in two months, I felt safe in this setting which I have felt safe in for years. I am reclaiming this setting for myself where anxiety sought to claim it for itself. I stake my own Amercian flag in this ground, victory. I see anxiety so I don't have to become it. Just keep reminding yourself of this. Just because you feel anxious, doesn't mean you have to be anxious. You just have to be yourself. Don't let feeling anxious become you, you are worthy of being yourself. Grateful for my counselor, friends, 12 step meetings, and professionals in my life. Today was validation that with time and work anything is possible! If your anxiety feels impossible to overcome today, just be in the moment. Because believe me, in this moment you are okay. Don't look beyond this moment. In this moment, life isn't all that great, but it's life and that's something. That's really something! Life is not something to have an anxiety attack over, life's just too short for a lifelong anxiety attack. Acknowledge your anxiety BUT embrace LIFE! Good luck and I shall soldier ON, jp