Crisis n Opportunity

Today I received some anxiety provoking news. I was checking my voicemail and listened to a message from my doctor asking I call him regarding the results of my recent MRI. I not only have a long term love affair with panic attacks but I am also a classic O.C.D head case. My O.C.D is especially triggered by medical related issues. I have been having health problems and of course I have reason to be concerned about this news. But the O.C.D side of me starts questions that begin with, "what if," and end with a particularly agonizing death. This time I chose not to respond this way. I felt myself falling into the "what if" mind trap. I remembered all the things I have been doing in the past several months to improve my mental health and lessen the more glaring symptoms. I have been exercising and eating right, and going to AA meetings and individual therapy. I even meditated for 55 minutes the other day! I do not want to get off track after having worked so hard to get back on track. It helps to remind myself of the things I am doing right. If you are dealing with challenges in your life, perhaps remind yourself of the positive changes you have made in your life; positive affirmations promote us to continue taking care of ourselves no matter how impossible it may feel to do so in the moment. I chose to take care of myself today after I heard this voicemail by going to the clinic and praying on the way there. I recognized as blessings the chance to talk to two professionals. These counselors encouraged me and gave me insight and direction. Mostly they helped me because they reminded me simply by taking the time to converse, that I am not alone unless I choose to be. It is hard for me to reach out for help in the midst of an O.C.D anxiety crisis. I am not used to doing so. I usually try to isolate and deny it as if I could wish it away. However I didn't react this way today. Without help today I would be defeated, locked up in my apartment trying to pretend I am not there. That would be rock bottom for me today and I have come too far to go back there. Whatever you are facing remember there is hardly any longstanding challenge you can overcome withOUT help! I never wanted to reach out for help because I was too proud for people to see me feeling weak and afraid. However in my epic panic attack one month ago I felt naked before the world. And I discovered Unconditional acceptance is real and it is amazing. Whoever you are, if you are feeling weak and afraid and you want to hide, don't!; ask for help and you will be amazed and wholly accepted. One of the counselors I spoke to showed me the Chinese character for crisis contains the character for opportunity. This character is characterizing my morning thus far. In the past this message from my doctor would have been a crisis with no hope for opportunity in it. Without praying and reaching out for help I would not have discovered the opportunity within the crisis! It is there and with help I found it today! I urge anyone who is overwhelmed and feeling anxious about a crisis to ask for help. Do not let pride or fear prevent you from doing so. I have faced my more serious challenges alone for the past 37 years. I am not doing this anymore. So far I have found the world to be a much more hopeful and welcoming place than my O.C.D and anxiety led me to believe it was. I still have anxiety about this unresolved medical issue, but I am feeling blessed because as I wrote this entry I have received two phone calls from friends. I will call them back after I am done writing. My O.C.D wants me to be alone all day sending me around and around a gerbil wheel of what if questions ending in death. My anxiety wants me to pace and fidget and fidget and pace and move ever closer to picking up a bottle of unprescribed clonopin. But I am not my O.C.D and I am not my anxiety. I am a person who has found the opportunity inside the crisis. The opportunity to grow from this crisis so that I can perhaps help even one person empower themselves in this way. Just remember you are worth the bravery it takes to embrace your crisis having faith there is a blessing of opportunity within! Also, it may be possible to do this alone, but the victory is far more meaningful when you involve others. Now I am excited about fully accepting the crisis for now I have total faith that therein lies the opportunity, jen